Solving Marriage Sex Issues?

Communication Is The Key To Solving Sex Problems

A couple’s sex life is a barometer for the health of the relationship — unresolved sex issues often indicate that there are underlying problems. Regularly placed ahead of financial worries or childrearing disagreements as cause for divorce, sex problems magnify a lack of understanding and communication within what should be a woman’s closest relationship. The causes of marital sex problems may be physical, emotional, or both. If they are understood and addressed properly, they can be effectively treated, and can even bring the couple closer together. Communicating with your partner in the way that works best for both of you is the most effective way to deal with all types of sex issues.

Sex researcher Denise Donnelly interviewed 6,029 married people in 1993 and found that sexually
inactive couples rated the marriage unhappy or dissatisfying. There are many reasons for sexual aspects of a relationship to suffer, and finding the cause is often the best step toward finding a cure.

Exploring the Causes of Sexual Issues
Female sex problems are often defined as either physical or psychological, but these causes can often overlap. An inability to be aroused or to achieve orgasm can be caused by a lack of lubrication. This in turn may be caused by inadequate stimulation or hormonal changes brought on by the aging process. These same hormonal changes or other medical issues such as depression or a hysterectomy may cause a lack of desire for sex. Although these sex issues may be physical in origin, the stress caused by their presence increases anxiety during sex and causes the cycle to repeat. It is important to eliminate easily treatable medical causes for these sex problems by having a thorough medical exam. 

Once any underlying medical causes have been eliminated, psychological causes for sex issues should be explored. Anxiety is the enemy of good sex, so eliminating stress and anxiety during sex is vital. Becoming educated about your body and the way hormonal changes effect sexual function can ease the fears and embarrassment that these changes can cause. Using a lubricant and sexual positions where the woman is in control can decrease fear of pain during sex. A mismatch in the level of desire between partners can only be cured by one thing— communication.

Communication is Key
As you become knowledgeable about what you like, you must pass this information on to your partner. Sometimes just a well-placed sigh or moan can indicate what is pleasurable and start your partner down the proper path. If subtle verbal cues aren’t effective, a gentle guiding hand can be used to show how much pressure to use and where to use it.

For women, good sex is linked to emotional intimacy, and the absence of this intimacy interferes with sexual enjoyment. Many therapists say that good lovers are made, not born, and the ability to communicate fears, desires, and concerns is the foundation for solving sex issues in any relationship.

Communicating with a partner involves fears of being judged or hurting the partner’s feelings. It may create fears that even if all desires are met, the sex problem may not be resolved. Good communication requires that we put aside embarrassment over changes in sexual response as we age.

It is wise to set aside time outside of the bedroom to initiate an honest discussion about sex issues. While this is the ideal scenario, sometimes it is just not possible to sit down and spell out what is desired during sex. Just as all couples are different, the way that they communicate can be different, but equally effective.

Stresses from raising children, work, and keeping the house running often leave women feeling exhausted and not in the mood for sex at the end of a long day. This exhaustion leads to feelings of guilt, which then leads to an even stronger lack of desire. The partner may read these feelings as “mixed signals” and try to initiate sex only to be rebuffed.

Alternative Solutions
The 1980’s sitcom Rosanne hit on a solution for these “mixed signals” that many couples have embraced. When her husband missed his “Wednesday,” Roseanne became concerned, noting that they didn’t do itonly on Wednesday, but always on Wednesday. Picking a certain day or two during the week for a sex date can ease the anxiety of initiating sex for both partners. Rather than become a boring ritual, the mutually agreed upon expectation for sex often lends a feeling of freedom to explore other aspects of sexuality once the problem of initiation has been removed.

If the idea of “sex date night” doesn’t work in your situation, other subtle signals might be the key if either partner is afraid of being refused. A certain bed pillow can be flipped to indicate desire for sex, which can then be acted upon by the other partner if the desire is mutual. Perhaps a lit candle in the bedroom or a scarf draped over the door handle can be a sign that is much easier and less stressful than having to ask for sex.

In many cases, intimacy can be achieved through exploration that does not involve intercourse. Sensual massage that does not lead to sex can build trust and excitement for both partners. Just being nude or bathing together without the expectation of intercourse can increase a woman’s sense of intimacy with her partner. Reading sexually arousing material together or taking a sexual quiz in a magazine can often spark intimate discussions that bring the couple closer. Many couples have a blank notebook that they fill with the desires that are too difficult for them to verbalize, which are then read by the other partner.

Sometimes a sex issue can be an environmental problem. Location, location, location is true for sexual intimacy as well as real estate. The bedroom should be free of distractions and used mainly for sleeping and sex. Sexologist Serenella Salomoni notes that if there is no TV in the bedroom, the frequency of sex doubles. If boredom is a factor, look for new and exciting places for sexual exploration. A change of scene might be just the thing to jump start sexual interest.

If all attempts at communication have failed, a sex therapist might be the best way to address sex problems in a relationship. A qualified, trained sex therapist will help the couple find problems and address them in a safe environment. The therapist will use exercises that the couple does at home to build comfort and trust in both the physical and emotional aspects of the relationship. Once the process has begun with the therapist, the couple can often continue to strengthen the relationship on their own.

A blank book, a warm bath, or a night once a week dedicated to each other could be a great place to start. Solutions to these issues are different for every couple — sometimes it is possible to sit and talk, but sometimes more creative methods must be employed. Just as ignoring sex problems can lead to the breakdown of intimacy, addressing these problems before they get too large can help keep a relationship strong and stable.

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